How do you live with the realization that you had cancer? That what you had you will always have effects from… you will never truly be healed? Knowing that what I had is exactly what others die from… why didn’t I? When you realize that everything changed for good with those three words… you can never go back. I know looking back I felt therapy could undo what just had happened… that cancer, family… everything would be fixed with a little support… I was in so much denial looking back… but now, why am I in therapy if I can’t undo the last year? I can’t turn back the clock… it’s done and over… what more is there to get from it? It wrecked me, but I’ll never be the same… ever… cancer has left its permanent mark on me far beyond the scar. What I need is to no longer live in fear, no longer regret choices surrounding my diagnosis, no longer be angry that I got cancer… I need to no longer wait for what can never change. I look around a room filled with people who have been touched with cancer… and I’m one of them. That’s me, I had what everyone wishes to never get… and now I look back at going through it, and I can’t… I can’t to this day look back and allow myself to go through all the feelings, but I need to. Tonight I have the body scan and radioactive iodine treatment locked into my head… I did that alone… I did that like it was a job interview, like failing meant I just moved onto the next one… all business, no emotions… no support. Tonight I remember how it was like to anxiously await results… but now I realize I was in cancer treatment, this was far beyond my comprehension, even to this day. I was waiting to be told this was done… honestly, I was so lost in what was all going on mentally, still am. This all means so much more when it hits you that you had cancer, I’m almost in shock that I did… I sit and think about it, age doesn’t even matter, I had something inside of me that could have killed me, I had surgery, omg I had major surgery… I have side effects because I had cancer… the more I say it to myself the more real it gets, the more painful it gets… the more different I feel. I feel as though the rest of my life will be monitoring return, praying it doesn’t happen… but yet, spending Saturdays in bed freaking out over period cramps determining I’m dying of cancer… you laugh, it’s happened more than once. I’m angry this ever happened, I want an answer as to why, I want to feel like it wasn’t my fault, I want to be the me before cancer ever hit… I’m searching for answers I will never be able to find. I don’t know what the realization of cancer is suppose to feel like, I don’t have the words to describe this… I’m in shock… like omg I had cancer, and as discussed tonight… it doesn’t get much bigger than that…now I actually believe that. Going back, I wish I had valued people more than I did, valued family relationships because if someone else in the family got cancer, I would want to be there for them… I didn’t allow that. I wish in times like right now I could experience a therapy session… it’s times like now that I actually need a session, I could be more honest, more real, more accepting towards help… that’s just not how this works. Sometimes I feel… I don’t know… if I was forced to read this out loud in session… I would be in touch with what I wrote and the emotions I felt writing it would come back to me, good or bad… and if I allowed it, I could experience it. I’m going to hate myself for adding that to this later on, but it’s truth. The more I feel in session, the less it hurts outside of it… I don’t understand why that is… but the few times I have it has been beneficial. Tonight’s group showed me how anger is normal, fear is probably always going to be present, and not everybody handled themselves in ways they are proud of. Cancer sucks, that’s that.
This is the post excerpt.